Fun-Employed: Brushing off one of life’s little gems… Layoff’s

They handed me a check to get lost with a absurd list of petty reasons as to why I was deemed no longer “employable”

subpar… not meeting criteria… below average test score (for a test I never took), They were robbers, burglars no more than a couple of two bit John’s butt fucking me from behind in a dark alley before I ever got a chance to learn their names.

 

Au revoir, tah tah, Goodbye! There was an odd amount of greetings and salutations when I entered the congested room for two in which they shoved me in as three and proceeded to ask me how my day had been as if it wasn’t 9:15am when the day only began at 9:00am on the dot, sharp as normal, usual as ever.

“I hope all is well, and Happy New Year to you and yours” they said.

His phone rang, that obnoxiously blaring Iphone tone that is always startling and never becomes the usual. He flimsy and fumbled as the fat black woman sat across the table pretending to be sad, anxiously awaiting my reaction of explosive combustion as they were soon to deem me yes… unemployable …. terminated and useless. Oh, but not before the blaring tone continued to jingle in the 6×6 cube of a room where they shoved in two unnecessary bookcases, where 1.9 years earlier I had first signed the rights to my life over as a mindless computer fucker, diddling away at a screen as my mind melted down through my eye sockets like the sherbert in my grandmother’s freezer all summer long when it was too hot to proper chill the frozen food in the deadly crippling heat of the deep south.

 

The new dickhead in charge of awkward corporate scenarios was sweating profusely, more than likely because of the two whiskey cokes he had chugged down at 8:45am before heading off to his new office to fire 50 mindless and braindead underachievers, aka myself included.

 

“We regret to inform you…._________insert soon to be fired name here_____________ that from here forth you are deemed unemployable by said (Insert soulless conglomerate bloodsucking company). You have failed to meet the requirements upon testing (in which was covertly applied via underpaid IT minions in the deep basement orifice of the company stockroom). This is not a personal choice, you are merely a number and a digit in the machine that no longer is needed in the greater scale of third world outsourcing in the mindless consumer driven retail fashion market. Screw you, we never intended to pay you what you’re worth because we plan to automate the majority of shit jobs. Blah Blah Blah, sorry and sincerely yours, (Insert name of new firing manager who will be fired after the task of firing has been completed). Here is $10k, get lost.

 

Best,

Ruthless Conglomerate dickheads ❤

 

P.S.

You have to work until the end of the month.

 

P.S.S.

Happy New Year!

 

Oh fuck.

 

The rent.

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